ThinkeringI was sitting in my bath last night, just thinkerin’, when I suddenly realized why you always see Superman in that full-body leotard.  The problem, as I see it, is his super-vision.

Now, we all know from watching the CSI programs that people shed DNA through epiperipherals.  And they shed a lot.  Like, everything you touch, or even walk by, gets just covered in epiperipherals.  People must be this giant walking cloud of epiperipherals.  Which is how CSI solves a lot of their crimes.  They look at anything within a three-mile radius of a crime scene under a microscope and there they are: epiperipherals.  So don’t ever do crime.

Where were we?  Oh yeah, Superman.  Well, dust mites live on dead skin cells, and if you’ve ever seen a dust mite under a microscope, well, it’ll make your skin crawl.  Skin_MitesIf you haven’t ever seen one, here ya go. Click on the little picture and you can see it better.  I’ll wait right here until you come back…

There, aren’t you glad you did that? You know what?  Maybe I should have warned you or something.  It’s a BIG picture, isn’t it? Jumps right out at you.  And they’re EVERYWHERE!  Only you can’t see ’em.  But Superman can.  Which, of course, is why he wears a full-body leotard.  So that he doesn’t have to.  At least not until he takes it off, and you know what?  I’ll bet it goes right into the washing machine.  If he doesn’t burn it up with his heat-vision.   I bet you that’s what he does — just lasers it right off to keep from spreading epiperipherals everywhere.  He must go through a LOT of leotards.  I wonder how you get the commission on something like that?

Oh!  Maybe he’s planning a crime and doesn’t want to leave any epiperipherals!  Could be either one.  Nah, it’s gotta be the mites thingy.  After all, he’s a good guy.  Besides, you just know that if CSI ever gets a crime without any epiperipherals, Superman will be the first guy they suspect.  And if I can figure that out, then surely he can.

Now that I think of it, I can’t help wondering: can mites actually eat Superman’s dead skin?  Does it lose it’s ‘super-ness’ once it flakes off?  You know, like his suit is indestructible while he wears it, but when he takes it off, it can be tailored like regular cloth.  I know that his hair keeps it’s super-ness when it’s removed from his head.  And from what I’ve read, hair is already dead cells.  Come to think of it, there might be a lot of very hungry mites with broken teeth around Superman’s apartment. And that wouldn’t be a pretty picture at all.

What, you don’t think of stuff when you take a bath?  Your life must be awfully dull…



4 thoughts on “Epiperipherals…

  1. I tried Googling epiperipherals and could not find anything. Maybe it is just CSI speak, but are you talking about epithelials, as in epithelial cells? Just curious…

    • One of the advantages of being old is having paper books around:

      epiperipheral (Adjective) Connected with, or having its origin upon, the external surface of the body; especially applied to the feelings that originate at the extremities of nerves, as for example when touching an object with the finger.

      Origin: epi- +‎ periphera

      Although the word is officially an adjective, common use on TV has noun-ized it. Thank you for visiting & giving this old editor a chance to show off a bit!

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